My Brother, My Brother and Me

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up you cool baby?

But not too familiar. But not too not familiar. It's a new craze. Hey good girls, do you wanna just say? Hey I wanna. To say, hey I wanna.]

Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother and My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm you're oldest brother Justin McElroy.

I'm you're middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

And I'm you're sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

I'm really, really excited you guys.

What's going on, Trav?

Well, we get a lot of questions, a lot of people ask me for help, which is great. That's what our show is built on.

It's built adjacent to that.

It's built adjacent, it's help adjacent

This week we got a really exciting email, where a young gentleman is asking for help and it's going to financially benefit us.

I like the second thing better than the first thing.

He's a young man in Africa, in Kenya, and he's having a bit of legal trouble. His father passed away in 2009. He left...

That's a shame.

He left, he had in the bank 10 million dollars and all he needs is our bank account information so he can transfer that money in there.

You had me at email. Just go for it, send it right away. It's 464-4664-4. Ah ah ah 6

Go.

I said.

Hit it. Rip.

We might be able to retire from doing the show because we get to keep forty percent of it. And that is like forty million dollars.

I'm refreshing our simple transaction page, just waiting for that money to come.

We're at negative dollars.

Oh no. What are conversion rates?

You got to spend money to make money you know.

That's right. This is an investment.

I don't feel great about this.

Well he has some trouble with his wicked step mother and his uncle's legal team so I'm sure he needs money to help battle them and get their stuff back and it is going to be fun, it's going to be great. We're going to be rolling.

Did he provide a return email address, that we can kind of correspond and sort of check up on what the hiccup was? Because sometimes the wires get crossed. That's not just a an idiom, sometimes the wires, when you wire to people get crossed, and then our ten million

10 mil that we were getting. I imagine that's a chunk of it...

Well we get to keep, we get to keep 4 million of it.

Okay. How much were we supposed to, you didn't even tell me how much we were supposed to send over, I just did all of it. I just clicked the Transfer All button.

I think that sounds right. I think you just as, like, as much as you can.

Why do they even have that button?

Yeah, I don't know. It says 'Transfer all to Kenyan Prince.'

As long as we're updating, I wanna give you guys a couple of updates on my life. First is: I chased my cat out of the litter box so I could shut her out of the office for recording sound proofing.

Terrific. Didn't think about that.

And now I have locked myself in a stink prison. Please send help. Please, I'm dying. Second: Ugh, second, alert, I wanted to give everybody a quick pregnancy update via a message I found yesterday that I thought you all would enjoy, and I thought we could just stage a reading of this real quick. I was looking for--no baby yet--looking for information about how people have triggered their...

There is a baby.

There is a baby just not obvious.

Just not a visible baby, an invisible baby.

Teen Moms

I found this brief forum exchange yesterday while I was cruising. There are three messages in the exchange so I figured we could just go me, Travis, Griffin. You ready?

Yeah, terrific.

Niecy says "I'm a 41-year-old mother of four. Every woman pregnancy are very much so different. I would advise y'all to let Mother Nature take its course. All the oils and different regimes may harm the baby. The safety of the baby is more important than trying to jump start labor on your own. Congratulations to you and good luck on your beautiful blessing."

And then Niecy says again, "we are the same age, name and kids congrations" And then Ashley says, "Screw you I'm 19. He's ready. He's just stuck. I'm going to induce."

"I'm 19, he's ready.

"He's just stuck."

He's just stuck. We need to prime the cannon and blast that baby on out.

I love that Ashley throws in the age. I’m 19. So world wise woman. I know that he’s just stuck.

He’s just stuck.

I’m 19. I’m not some kid, all right?

I’m not some sort of child. Screw you.

I can tell when a baby’s stuck in my gully works, all right? So that’s where I’m at. Anyway, those are our problems. We don’t need to stress you out about those.

I, once again, just to check in, have no problems.

No problems still, on the Griffin front.

Thrifty Reggie

So let’s help our listeners. Hey brothers, I have a question. Sometimes my friends and I will go to bars or restaurants.

Like cool people.

Like cool people. A place to hang out and have fun, like you do. Problem is, what oh my God, the smell. The problem is one of my friends will often come along and then not order anything. I feel like this is rather rude to the establishment. Am I being weird and should just let it go? If not, what should I do? That’s from Empty Cheers, in Davis KA.

I think that's Colorado.

Colorado.

I worry so much about myself fucking up accidentally without meaning to all of the time, that if I extended that service to everybody in my immediate vicinity, I don't know why I'm speaking in the hypothetical sense right now because I do definitely do that and it kills me. It's killing me. It's killing me.

Do you know when it's especially bad? If you have a bar that you, for example, in Cincinnati we go to Arnold's all the time. It's like our feeder bar. It's where we hang out, and so if a new person went and did something that I would think of as rude

I feel like if you just taking up a seat though, like at a table with friends. Then that's not really big of an issue. Your just not ordering something. Right, like the only person who's going to be aware of that is the waiter. If they're coming to the table, and that has to be mixed with some relief that they don't have to be mixed with some relief that they don't have to do more work.

Well I guess the question is, "Is it the same friend more than once?" You know, like if Tom always, sits there when you go

Thrifty Reggie

Yeah Thrifty Reggie just sits there at Cheesy Steve's and doesn't order cheesy fries ever.

Yeah if you go to Cheesy Steve's, you have to like it's basically a mandate.

Yeah it's the only thing on the menu. Can I have some water. No you can't have a water.

I can blend down some cheesy fries for you. Do we even have a blender? No we don't

like french onion soup with just bread and cheese floating around.

We have a deep fat fryer and we got the cheese blaster and that's the only two instruments we got, we don't even have glasses. We don't have glass in the windows. This is a shitty place. This is a shitty place. I don't know why so many people can come in here. There are so many worse things that you could do at a restaurant you could like I was talking to a guy the other day about playing D&D here in Austin like where do you find a group to do it where do you find neutral ground to play it with strangers. it he told me he used to play with a group that used to go to a pizza place near our house and they would just post up the pizza place and play through like three hours of the campaign and I was like how were they fucking cool with that like cause you know those nerds are going to chomp down but they are not going to chomp down for three straight hours well here's how your fucking cool with. that if you show up between two and five

You're fine. If you order enough to justify being there, you're fine. And then if you tip really well, you're fine. Like that's the thing. If you think about being there for three hours and the amount of opportunities they have to come over and refill your drinks and like check on you and everything, you have to tip like 30- 35%.

But eventually you don't think the cashier's just like I'm fucking sick of looking at these people. Did you see the tape? Did you pass out? Oh shit.

Hey

Hey what happened?

I had to go empty out the litter box.

Oh my God you actually did it?

Obama called and he said FEMA was going to have to start issuing housing vouchers to my neighbors if I didn't contain it.

Hayden Christensening

Do you guys want a Yahoo?

Of course. This yahoo was sent in by Drew Davenport. Thank you Drew.

Some people are starting to get real jealous of Drew Davenport. Well guys his game is super on point.

I wish Drew, could Drew do, would Drew be comfortable going to our Facebook page and sharing some of his secrets.

I don't think he will. I love Drew Davenport, think he is protecting his secrets, the same way that Lex Luthor protect the location of his kyptonite.

Drew Davenport thank you. This question was ask by Yahoo Anwsers user Sophie " Is it weird I prefer this type of acting? My friends like to hold Hayden Christensen's lightsaber fighting, jumping about trying to be cool and intimidating yet I prefer the Marlon Brando Godfather. I think Brando sat in the big chair is so much cooler."

And I find it intimidating as well. I mean, who is the better actor? Hayden Christensen or Marlon Brando?

Oh, taking a bold stance.

Is it? Is it weird that I prefer Marlon Brando to Hayden Christensen? Now I know he’s a little indie, little known actor that not a lot of people have heard of. But I think that that Marlon Brando’s got chops.

I guess, but does he have Hayden Christensen chops?

Listen, who does? I’m just saying it doesn’t even come, like you’ve got to scale it different, you know what I mean? Like Brando is the best of the Brandos, you know what I mean? Is he going to be able to break into the like, Christensen levels? No, of course not.

The Christensen strata, no.

But what he does with what he’s got is very impressive. I look forward to his new stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, he’ll never hit that Orlando Bloom echelon, right?

Oh God no.

He’s clearly not going to bloom.

Hes never going to Christensen. That's it, I mean, I have an internal debate that I argue about with myself everyday of Christensen or Bloom, Brando doesn't even fucking factor into the equation

Because you know who the wild card is? The wild card is you and McGregor

Oh yeah

I think he can straddle but he does the light saber fights like so hes hitting that level and hes big fishing, and he's big fishing ya know what I mean

Big fishing

The problem is, what sort of muddies these waters

that the big fish live in, go on

is that Marlon Brando is so good in Star Wars, who will ever forget that classic scene of him standing in the reins of indoor in his white wife beater his face twisted up in anguish and just shouting "Star Wars"

I'll never forget that scene

I like star wars when his giant floating head appeared to Luke and said "I am your father"

Check out this fortress of solitude I made for you.

Whoa wait a minute, there are some unexpected crossover here.

I thought it was weird when it just like jumped from like a Lightsaber fight in the middle of the Deathstar, and inexpiably he was an old man and he died in a garden while his grandson watched him die, and then his grandson grew up to be Boba-fett?

I loved that one scene where he’s just flopping around with his big silly head and he’s like “Meesa coulda been a contenda!”

Yeah that was a good one too.

Oh man but how does he stack up to Hayden?

There’s a reason he wasn’t young Vader you know? Because whenever ??. I don’t know if you guys know about how big Hollywood works. And Travis I guess you should learn about this since you’re about to be a fuckin cog in that horrible machine, but Casting Directors when they cast parts

They're basically ranking who the best actor is, right? so if Marlon Brando had been better than Hayden Christensen, he would have Young Vader, he would have been grown up Anakin, he would have been fuckin' necking with Natalie Portman.

I have a question, though, Griffin. How do they do?-- If one actor is the best actor, they call them first in the rankings systems. How do they decide which part to fill? How do you make the system so that the best actor doesn't get all the parts?

You go top down.

Is that what happens?

That's what I'm saying; some casting directors get creative about it. For instance, The Nutty Professor? The said, how do we fuckin' choose? He would slot into any of these parts perfectly.

Was not supposed to be Michael Keaton in all those roles, right? But the CGI Tech wasn't good enough back then.

It was originally supposed to be Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christian Bale.

Correct.

I think that's what happened in the Social Network, right? It's like they hired two dudes to play the twins and then said Armie Hammer who is the greatest actor of our generation- we're gonna clone him.

That's what's great, no, they didn't do that in the CGI wasn't good enough for their standards so if you look, if you actually watch the movie- if you pause it and jump forward like a frame at a time, you can tell. It's actually, it's just one shot- right- and Armi Hammer is just moving very quickly.

Oh.

Yeah.

He's just- a film is displayed in 60 frames per second, so he is 120 times per second moving to the left and the right. And it's just him.

If you look in his special skills sheet in the back of his headshot

Like juggling, some Spanish, hyper frame shifting.

Yeah.

Lone Rangering.

Phase stepping.

And he draws a picture of like, a lightning bolt, on every resume. Just to heighten it I guess, or to make it seem more special?

Is that why he puts the smiley face stickers on there?

Oh yeah.

I’m a super good actor. A Number One. And then he puts a scratch and sniff sticker that smells like he does. I will come to set every day guaranteed.

Guaranteed.

Armie Hammer guarantees that I will smell like this every day.

This is my agent, Armie Hammer. How about another question? I feel like we did really good on that one.

The Butt Bag

Hey brothers, So I’ll get straight to the point. I’ve been dating this guy I’ve been friends with for about three months yet. Nothing official yet. Anyways, while on a date, he randomly brings up a gift bag with a hand made purse, made for me. It’s one of those jean bags, you make out of cutting the legs out of some jeans. It’s super sweet. I really appreciate the sentiment. Is it really my style? No.

The question is when would be at a perfect situation to use the bag. Thanks so much, huge fan - Muddled in Mexico.

I think when you need to transport a disembodied butt, that would be a good place to put that. I loved it when I read this question going through the emails for some reason now it makes sense to me that you cut the legs off all the way at the hips so it just forms the back. You dumb bastard. I was picturing cutting it like joints and so you could put stuff in one leg or in the other one. Yeah, which leg do I keep my chapstick in? I bet the punctuation on this ?? gave her the back he stood up to her heel that he was just wearing jean chaps. Is it possible you were friends with him? Is it possible he's fucking with you? No. He was like no this isn't your style. Like he knew it wasn't your style and he was just

This is ironic, this is funny, because she normally wouldn't carry this kind of thing- I'm gonna give it to her and see how she reacts and then laugh about it.

I think he probably saw a buzzfeed post of easy craft gifts that you can make for a new girlfriend and then for some reason the demented author of that terrible post wrote, 'make a butt purse'

it's what it is, it's a butt purse, I don't want to mince words, it's a butt purse. It's a butt purse. A thing that butts go in typically.

Listen, if you're really serious about this fella, I think you need to adjust your style because there is no guarantee that you're gonna keep receiving hand made jean gifts. You know, there are a lot of ladies out there that would just go crazy for some hand made jean gifts.

No, Justin, I'm going to disagree slightly in that I'm going to disagree with you completely.

ok. So not like a little bit?

No, 100%, 180

Whole enchilda.

One direction, two directions.

And I think that's, this early on in the relationship- they've only been going out three months- I think this is kind of a scatter shot approach to see what she likes, and it's an opportunity to be like, ok give her the purse she's not using that. Ok, so I'll scratch that off. How about some scented oils?

That's a weird base line- when you're trying to figure out what your new lover loves. You start with a butt bag? No!

It is a huge jump. You should work backwards.

It's like if you play guess who, and it's like, do they look like they're hiding some sadness? And that's your first question in guess who- NOT are they a man or a woman, do they have glasses.

Well, but imagine if you say do they have glasses and the answer is yes, which by the way, who the fuck picks someone with glasses for that very risk? But if the answer is yes, you've just narrowed it down. If you give butt purse and she's like, I love the butt purse- done.

You know everything about that person in one question

Yeah, that's a good point Trav.

It's a, listen, it's a risky gambit. I know that. But if it lands, if it lands, you're set.

Yeah, you are set.

Butt purses for life.

Is it possible that this person has like a Blossom fetish?

Hey, why don't you wear this floppy hat tonight, just ...

Just wear this. I'm gonna also wear a wierd hat, and I'm gonna talk very fast, and we are going to make love.

Woa.

I don't know man. Can you use it for like, maybe like a diaper bag in the far future? That might be okay, because that's kind of like putting butts in a bag.

You could use it for like if you go on a trip and you want to like, have stuff in the car, so like he'll see it but no one else ever will. You could use it somewhere were you think there's a high probability of being mugged. Give me everything in the bag! No, please.

Let me simplify this for you.

Take my heart, take my legs. Not my special butt bags.

Love her. Oh, I love her.

Or even better it could be a theft deterrent or it's a, "Give me your pur-, wait, no, never mind, bye."

Ok fi-,...

"I don't need that."

... "All right fine, you win, I'll just take all the things inside the bag and you can keep." "Uhhh, you sh-",

"I got a lot of stuff in here, you only got two hands, it's gonna be a lot more [comedic?] take the bag, take the butt bag. Please take the butt bag."

I guess you could call it a fanny pack.

Oh, good.

Oh, just, just, what this bit needed, Travis.

A fanny pack.

Start again. I'm lost.

Ok. So, like, he said a butt bag--

Treated in Tucky

My coworkers are constantly going out to eat for lunch. I try not to usually, due to cost and health reasons, but they aren't, but they are always offering to pay or seeming super disappointed when I turn them down. While I appreciate their generosity, the guilt I'm saddled with after receiving a lot of free meals isn't exactly pleasant either. And I often can't afford to pay for a meal in return. How do I mitigate this situation? My wallet, conscience, and waistline are all on the line here. And that's from 'Treated in Tucky'.

That's good. I like that!

Tell them to fucking... why does someone care so much about what you're eating all the time?

"You have to go. You have to go."

But they feel guilty. They don't want to have to. Listen, they don't want to listen to free rides from their coworkers. That's uncomfortable, I get that. But they also don't want to have to fuckin' pay for bottomless apps at TGI Friday's every fucking day of their life.

Ok but, what it sounds like to me is that idea of them like, "we'll pay,come on". Is that they see it as a very social, like, team building thing.

Right.

And like, they don't want you to feel left out. They're trying to like, make you feel included. Whereas you're looking at it like, "Nah, I'm happy to hang out. I just don't want to go out to eat every day." Which makes total sense to me.

This sounds to me, suspiciously to me like a free introductory offer. I feel like you're going to get there and enjoy some like, bottom

French onion soup or something and then at the end they think, "Boy, wasn't this fun? We're happy to pay this time, but I feel like we could really keep these good times going if we could just get you to commit to six meals per month and get on this time share, this T.G.I. Friday's time share with us, then we think this could be the start of something big."

Two weeks out of every year, this appetizer plate could be yours.

This could be your plate.

Think about it. The other fifty weeks people are going to touch it. And that's not great. I'll be honest I don't love that part of the arrangement.

Can you brown-bag every day but make it look special?

Tell them a sick family member made, my nanny made, I can't say ?? my Nana made me this sandwich and I feel so guilty.

My adult nanny. My adult babysitter made this for me. She is very sick.

Mrs. Poppins would be really disappointed if I didn't eat this sandwich.

That's going to work for a week ??. That's not a long term

…Cuz after four months you’re like “yeah, Nanny. My adult babysitter is still pretty sick so”…

Then you’ll have to dress up as the babysitter and come into work and be like “woooooooo”

“Wooooooo, it doesn’t want to go outdoors”

“Should you.”

“Michael I can’t help but notice my special lunch ?? I’m eaten here.” Oh man.

Can you go to the…okay, okay, okay…you go to the bathroom, you dress up as your adult nanny, Mrs. Doubtfire 2…

Ah ha.

…And then you carry a brown bag lunch in and put it on your desk and maybe loudly announce “Oh I’m so delighted to make this, I sure hope Michael enjoys it”

“Lunchtime for my little piggy.”

“Where is that sweet piggy? I never seem to see him around.”

“Have you ever noticed how you never us in the same place at the same time… “

Well I need to go shit

I'm going to go shit for 5 minutes

I had some bad Mexican food at that restaurant your always trying to get Michael to go to

?? regularly to leave out the front door

I ate there once in 1987 and haven't stopped shitting since, goodbye

I wanted to climb out the bathroom window

Have you guys ever noticed how Micheal's adult nanny ?? seems to only enter the building via the men's bathroom

I just went in the men's bathroom and just saw her clothes lying on the ground, I think she shit herself out of her body

Is this the start of left behind?

Has Mrs. Doubtfire 2 been raptured?

Ah man

I think that'll work, yep, I know we were joking, but now i'm like ruminating on it and i think that will actually be great, makes aot of sense, should we go to the money room?

The Money Zone

If you've tried Hulu on your computer, everybody has, check out this crazy video you won't believe it. It's on Hulu, but Hulu Plus is like that, but better. They've got all the current seasons and episodes of your favorite shows like Modern Family, The Daily Show, all that good stuff. And they've got, some series, every episode like South Park, and its just exclusively available through Hulu Plus, every episode of South Park believe it or not.

There's ton of ways you can watch Hulu Plus. There's Apple TV, there's ??, on your smart TV, whatever. However you want to do it.

What's awesome is they have new stuff, and they also have tons of old shows that you're really not going to find anywhere else. I'm really excited because they have a new show called Super Sizers Go, that Teresa and I just love, and for a long time we couldn't find it any where.

It's on Hulu plus, yeah it's amazing. They have episodes of QI with Steven Frye

Oh shit?

Yeah, they have Penn and Teller's Bullshit, like every episode.

Awesome.

It's really amazing. It's not only worth it to keep up with the new stuff, but you're gonna find stuff on there that you're not gonna find anywhere else.

They also got original stuff, they got- there's the new season of the Awesomes- the cartoon from Seth, Mike Meyers. You might know him from late night television. They have all ten episodes of the first season so you can get prepped for that new joint on August 4th.

Listen, this is $8 a month and that is very, very reasonable for the amount of stuff you're getting. But, we can give you a two week free trial- just go to huluplus.com/mybrother-- huluplus.com/mybrother

And I can't stress enough, it's important that you use that code, cause that says, 'Hey, mybrother is worth it.'

They'll keep giving us money, also. And we like that.

Like, I like that part.

I like money too, and if you want money, you know the best way to get it? Coding. That's right. Coding has become the most desired job skill of 2014.

Now do you mean coating, like you would put something on to something, like cover it in chocolate?

No, coding like bits and bytes, and boops and bleeps. Coding, and the easiest way to learn coding, in our opinion, my opinion, is One Month HTML. It's the easiest way to learn to build websites. What you do is you guarantee them 30 minutes a day for 30 days. And you know what? Most of the lessons are, you don't even have to do 30 minutes. Justin, you've been doing it right?

I have. I'm halfway through One Month HTML. You have a actual website built day one. You build something.

Are you ready to drop that URL on the air?

Yes, oh, yes, thank you Griffith. If you Justinmcelroy.net, you will be able to see my personal website that I built with One Month HTML. It's got everything.

It's got photos. It's got videos. It's got links.

It's like the Hayden Christiansen of websites.

It's got fun flash games for children.

It's got everything, and there's a community of 12,00 people, other students learning online. The cool thing, I finished this project, this website, and I sent it in. It is a correspondence course but you do get a lot of feedback. I sent in my website and they actually sent back a 5-minute-long video where they just sort of walk through my code and made some suggestions for things that I could tweak and fix.

That's awesome!

Yeah, it's incredible! And they've got a lot of other courses. They've got One-Month Rails, and other --

That's the one -- I'm going to dip into that, I think.

Yeah. And Ruby on Rails, and a lot of other stuff. You can go to here and get 25% off one of these courses. That's a pretty great deal. So One-Month HTML. Thirty --

for 30 days and you will learn one of these program languages and you will be a lot more valuable as an employee, and you get a one time 25% discount on your classes; if you go to onemonth.com/mybrother.

Just I have to warn you -a lesson I learned the other day, don't ever tweet about what you think about a coding language cause I tweeted about PHP and how confusing I thought it was; I started a fucking fire storm! I did not know-- apparently coding languages are the new Sega and Nintendo argument from the early Nineties...

Really, a lot of people want to way in on that?

A lot of people are like, PHP is dirt, and a lot of people are like, my Dad is made out of PHP, it got fucking -- fucking real on my twitter feed.

Hypothetically, is there a video or website one can go to find out what any of this means? Say someone was really bad at interneting...

I think that's all on my disk

I have a message for Samuel K for Malory who says. " It's not your birthday but I didn't want to wait six god damn months to wish you a good one. Here's to many more let's play and anime podcasts together in the coming years, and rest assured in the very distant future when you finally kick the bucket. I'll skin you, wear you like a coat and play an elaborately cool prank on your loved ones. Hail Satan"

Everything about this makes it one of the top ten money zone spots we've ever had.

Yeah I know it's really good she has a very comprehensive plan for Samuel, for his whole life and that's a true friend there. I also love when people can't wait to give us money

You know she's going to come right back around.

That's the thing about money. The first taste you know, you get a taste for it.

...Dude last week who was like hit me up on my mobi. We was like I don't actually want to say this I just want to keep giving the macro bros money.

Can you stop, not edit the greatest message ever please? What was it?

Thanks for vibing it and keeping it tight and if you need me I'm on my mobile. ?? I gotta say, Mari, you came awfully close. Lets see if Vincent Longa can dethrone, and I gotta message for Alecia Longa, so they're obviously related in some fashion. Lets crack this mystery with the next sentence Right below. Happy dirty thirty my lovely wife, you got me aveda for my b-days, so I got the brothers macory to say happy biggy...

Ever existed.

Here's to another awesome year, and remember just because it's your birthday doesn’t mean you could put your finger in my belly button hole. Gross.

Happy Ba Day.

Happy Ba Day, don't put your finger in there. It's where like all of your parasite go to chill. It's like a hot tub for your body's billion parasite, so maybe, just think about that. Congratulations, on the Vita though it's a nice little platform.

Why don’t you guys go to medieval times if there's a medieval time close to you. You should be there everyday supporting the green knight.

Yeah.

Yeah, your a green knight man.

All day long. All day everyday, its the only sport I care about. If they televised medieval times, oof.

Actually, the only thing that I wanted to do with my life is to go to medieval times, and it's never happened.

You’ve never been?

Pete, when I say that sometimes and people think that its like when I said. I really wanted to go to the Jekyll & Hyde Club in New York and everybody thought like how fun and ironically. No you don’t understand. You don’t know me at all.

You don’t get it.

You don’t get me.

God, when we do our lives show, we have to go to our Medeval Times-

Can we rent out the whole Medevel times? And will they let us knight?

Can we knight it up?

I don't want a knight.

yes you do, look deep within yourself.

I was just googling Green Knight cause I thought it was the name of the Martin Lawrence film, but no, of course it was Black Knight,that was the name of that film. And I fucked that up right proper.

Yeah, not good work there.

Is Lava Real?

Guys how about I get another yahoo? I feel like we've only had one this episode.

You feel like that cause we did.

This yahoo is sent in by level466-

I'm calling them "yadrews"

Yadrews?

If there's not, if it's not, as long as it's from (??) just call me yadrews

This yadrew was asked by ?? sister Leia who asks, ah Fuck, "is lava real?" I've just finished watching the film Shrek, and there was a scene in the movie where there was a dragon and lava, and I was just wondering if you can get lava in real life, also are Shrek/ogres real?

This isn't a crazy question, lava does seem very weird.

Let me ask both of you, y'all ever seen lava?

I have not, I have not seen lava?

Travis?

I've seen it on like the TV.

No have you felt its radiant heat?

No

That's what I'm saying, it could be Hollywood bullshit

To be fair, there's lots of things...

I've never seen it in real life. But lava seems kind of fantastical, right? They say it's rock. I ain't never seen no fuckin' rock move like that. It's a plasma isn't it? It falls within that catagory. I think it's a plasmoid. It's a plasmid. It's a plasmid. It is a plasmid. There are times where I'll get confused on issues like this. I will sometimes forget, and please don't make fun, but I will sometimes forget if unicorns are real or not. Not to say that there are unicorns today, but I will sometimes have brief moments where I try to remember if that is an historical animal that is no longer extant, or if it is-. Justin, in your defense, here's the thing.

Horses with horns on their head, uh, their called deer and moose.

Yeah. That's very believable to me- that's what's always crazy to me, if I might lay my cards on the table...

Yeah

People- dinosaurs, totally accept it. You talk about dragons, everyone's like HAHAHA, this guy and dragons.

Yeah, guess what a pterodactyl was? A fucking dragon!

How about narwhals? Narwhals are whales with unicorn horns. Why is this so preposterous to think that unicorns may of been around?

Yeah.

A bigfoot is just like a gorilla person.

Yeah. Yeah, that can happen. A super hairy dude loses his fucking mind and wanders into the forest. What's up? That's a big foot. I don't give a fuck what you want to call it. Now, YOU ARE A BIG FOOT.

A lochness monster was a plessiosaurus.

You get a super tall goat that only has the one horn, I don't care what the fuck you scientifically.. that's a philum..coreogoggin.. no, that's a fucking unicorn, I don't need to splice it's fucking

…DNA.

Right.

I would be “oh that GNC are next to that A so it’s not a unicorn. It’s clearly goat phylum.

That’s a…

There’s this fish with arms…

Yeah.

That’s a mermaid, guys.

Yeah. That is a mermaid. I mean, like an alligator, basically. Have you seen…

?? copy

Yeah.

A copy. It looks like two animals put together? That right there is a griffin, my man.

That’s a griffin, so deal with that. But fucking liquid hot rocks? No way!

That’s unbelievable. That’s crazy.

I’ve seen rocks before they seem hard and cold.

They’re super, super hard.

And cold. Some are maybe liquid and hot…nah, sorry. Better luck next year, bud.

I went over to a buddy of mine…his house. He made a hot rock out of a big ole smooth rock. He put it on some rock salt and put that in the oven and we cooked ?? beef on it and what the weirdest thing is that when that rock came outta that oven…it wasn’t a liquid…what.

You know, I’ve gone done to the caves and…

You know what they are? Cold.

They're super cold.

Cold in there.

Its weird, it's like down in the Earth it's cold.

It's almost like heat rises.

Griffen put, okay if want to get something, Griffen put a rock into the hottest thing that there is, because if you want to get something hot there's only one thing you turn to. Its an oven. So nothing can get hotter than an oven.

I'm not calling it a microwave because it is called a microwave oven. Alright?

They used to just call it a hotter. Because its the hottest way you can hot something is that.

So, he did that and then he put a rock in there and it didn't melt so I don't know you tell me where we're at?

Science?

It's weird.

You think you're hot shit? You know what's hot shit? The oven.

The oven is hot, okay?

So, let's talk about Mike Myers for a second.

Okay.

He's kind of let himself go, right? And at that point I know it was a movie role, and it was Hollywood magic, and that movie was technically live action.

Technically

Like there were human voices behind it fine whatever they looked human enough to me to at what point does Mike Myers stop being Mike Myers and start being Shrek you know he has done fucking nine of those you know. he has spent listen the amount of time that goes into recording those movies he has spent more time being Shrek than he has not being Shrek right. From what I've read on buzz bead he's really hard to work with so I guess you could say he's up ??? an ogre yeah. Food for thought why doesn't mike Myers do movies anymore because he's an ogre, he's an ogre he's big and green, he only likes playing with earwax and stuff been a while since I've seen Shrek films Mike and me were big friends Mike I love your work thank you for listening please don't eat my bones also I've seen the trailer of love crew 30 times. I can't bring myself to watch the movie but I'm kind of obsessed with it. it's a shame isn't it. it's like his last human movie you can already see the transformation beginning they try to cover it up with prosthetics but no

No you can't hide his nature is that little wiggly funnels up there. I work at a small local restaurant and one of my coworkers doesn't wear deodorant he says that he doesn't want all those chemicals in his body and I don't want to smell like a mall I want to smell like a man. I don't want to smell like a mall. Oh does he mean like Hollister and like Abercrombie and if ???? brands and commercialism right he wants to smell like a man like duty like a dirt man, like a duty man. His body odor gets pretty bad yeah I think that's connected and I'm pretty sure customers notice how do I help him realize that he needs to stop trying to pull off the mcconaughey and utilize some smell goods. that's from smelling bad in San Antonio okay ????? I I just realized something i didn't realize this putting together but do you ever notice that sometimes without meaning to we have like theme episodes and this is the third question about a restaurant? Restaurant life we got a lot of restaurant questions can I just

Get out in front of this and say I get it, I have known people who did not use deodorant, because maybe they have like super sensitive skin down there.

Notice he's using the past tense by the way folks

No, I know, I have a friend here in Austin who doesn't wear it just because like they don't their not super crazy about having a bunch of chemicals under there, they have sensitive skin, I get it, I got sensitive skin, I only have like one or two brands of deodorant I've found that doesn't like just like blow my shit up down there or in there I should say. I totally get, and i think there are people that who away with it, like my friend doesn't stink,

Do you know he doesn't produce a lot of smell down there, but if you work in a fucking restaurant

Yeah

like I think that's, I am willing to give you credit like do what you want, chase your bliss, but if you work in a restaurant a place like that it is kind of important that you, like you, at the very minimum don't affect the smell in the room

that your smell neutral

you got to be at zero smell on the ph scale yeah that's a

Food Deodorant

On starter, guys. I--

Ooh, I just had a million dollar idea.

Ok.

Ok? Deodorant that smells like food.

Oh my god, I just barfed a little bit.

So rather than you smell like, yeah. Rather than smell like a mall, you smell like a food court.

Justin.

Check out my cinnamon pits.

Justin, when he hit puberty before us, I remember this very distinctly, I had many occasions to smell Justin's armpits, and I think it was, he used to do the thing where he put his fingers in his armpits and then, like, put them in my face to make me smell them. And I always thought they--

Uh-huh.

And I always thought they, I always thought they smelled like ketchup. But.

You know?

That's not a joke. I remember Justin's pits smelling, like, exactly like Heinz or McDonalds, like, that sugary Ketchup.

Justin once convinced me that in place of deodorant you could rub orange peels in your armpits.

Oh, Justin.

And that shit burned.

It hurts.

You know I've never thought about this, but Justin, you owe me like 100 apologies for the terrible, terrible thing that you did to me.

Well I'm very sorry. Does that count?

No.

Now here's the thing.

I have a perfect, a really great solution for this. Are you ready? You make this person, make this man some homemade, natural deodorant, as a gift. Work really hard on it. Make it special and put a bow on it. Here's a quick recipe. Three table spoons coconut oil, three table spoons baking soda, two table spoons Shea butter, two table spoons ?? root and essential oils. Mix it on up. And there is some stove stuff here but you can Google it or whatever. Then make him some natural deodorant as a gift. A gift deodorant and put a brand, a fake label on it like, Jerry's Natural, I'm assuming his name is Jerry, Jerry's Natural Stick.

To not smell like ?? man.

Jerry's special do-not-get-fired ointment.

Jerry's special the-customers-are-not-gagging bar.

Yea.

That's the thing ?? because the friends I have

…They’re very outdoorsy. They’re very beachy. They live…they spend a lot of time rock climbing and hiking through the woods.

And ain’t that some shit? And ain’t that…that friend of mine is kinda outdoorsy…was camping and shit like that and doesn’t stink and I go see an outdoor theatre production and I fucking smell like dog shit afterwards.

Do you think it’s like people are really protective of their kids and keep them away from germs so their immune system is really weak and that’s the thing, we’re making our smell immune system really weak by putting on deodorant and if you just embrace it, you become very protective. You get very defended against smell.

I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna go off it and I’m going to write a memoir about that year that I went on without deodorant

E prays stink

No, it’s just going got be called My Stinky Year and it’s going to be New York Times best seller. Watch out Elizabeth Gilbert. Who’s that…oh man, my book got all bumped from number one. Who done it? My Stinky Year? By Griffin McElroy? I never should have inspired him to chase his…

dreams. Too bad you did. Dreams. You inspired me deeply. I just graduated college and I'm home for the summer in search of jobs, so I was wondering what the proper protocol is for asking people on dates when I know I'll be leaving town in the fall. Is it weird if I start seeing people who are also still in college as for new prospects in New Hampshire. The second thing no, that's no. No, that's totally fine. The first thing I think that the key is being up front. Why spend three months living like a monk just because you know you've gotta go. Take someone out on a date. You're not proposing marriage. Can I tell you something, for a lot of people especially people who are in college, that is gonna be a refreshingly liberating way to approach it. Listen let's just get some practice in here and keep each other company. Do you just want to have a good time with no expectations for the future? Well don't say. Solve

Shelter not say do you want to have a good time. oh no not at all not at all but i am saying that is the implication of the thing is like your just going to hang out and enjoy each other's company and its cool. the great thing is that if you know there's an expiration date on the relationship you're going to get out there and your going to make the most of the time you have together as a couple. You know so many couple's spend day's idling away in front of the TV but you're going to get out there you know you two will go skydiving you could go rocky mountain, oh Jesus this every time. you could go 2.7 seconds on a bull named fu-man-chu what i am suggesting is to date like you were moving ya can i bounce just a quick devil's advocate of the two of you though uh huh what if its love. well then shit it solves itself then. Does it? If its love then you want to

the risk of not finding it.

Oh fuck that's a good ?? Travis.

That's a good point Travis.

I haven't watched the trailers for this Fault in Our Stars movie very closely but I think this is about the same thing.

Yea. It's about two people who are moving.

Two people who are moving and they decide to date each other even though they know they are moving. And it seems like even if it doesn't pan out you are going to make a lot of green. It seems like those people are just raking in the dough.

Oh they're doing very, very good.

Yea, they're doing very well. So, maybe try that?

I think she is training to be an astronaut or something because she's got that oxygen tank.

Yea, she's going to the moon. And then she's just over the moon about this new fella.

They should have called this movie Over the Moon. If we're dealing with astronaut stuff then typically you want to get some sort of space reference in there. Oh stars!

Yea, sorry stars. That's also what she's going to... I just heard from the president...

The sun's all fucked up.

The sun's all

fucked up and I have to go to space to fix it. There's a fault in our...are you saying yes? Yes, Doctor Mitchelson, there's a fault in our stars. But also I'm dating this new guy so we're gonna see how that goes.

So maybe I'll go fix it, maybe I won't. But then at the end, spoiler, she doesn't go fix it.

We actually just described the exact plot of the Danny Boil film, "Sunshine." That was exactly what we ?? The sun's all fucked up, we better fire a ship in it, you're welcome, earth.

Armageddon, right? ?? Whats the move where the center of the earth, the magma stops spinning

The core, yeah. ?? Let me put it in quotes: the "magma" the magma.

Which sounds like a made up DnD monster.

While I say that, that is terrible.

Cock in a Bowl

Trixie Bell asks, is it ok to take 5 year old to a restaurant with suggestive names for the food? My husband and I are babysitting our 5 year old niece and we want to go out to eat at this rock n roll diner kind of local place. It's a clean place, it's not like Hooters or anything. But all the menu items have suggestive or slightly inappropriate names. Like, their chicken soup is called 'cock in a bowl' and their banana split is called 'banana hammock'..

very suggestive, do you get it?

And another chicken dish called naked breast. Do you get the suggestion? This one is called 'fat cock'- do you get it?

This is called a dick, it's a hotdog.

This is called pussy.

Sorry, can I just make a quick observation? Cock in a bowl is not a thing. It's not like, wink wink get it?

Look in a bowl.

I think that’s actually…

It’s not a clever play on words.

I think that’s what British people call missionary position.

Perfect! Cock in a bowl!

Thank you Travis, I was hoping one of us would do it.

I just want to say this too, I want to defend Hooter’s for a minute. Have you ever –don’t—have you ever been to a hooters?

Don’t they don’t need…

No no no. Have you ever been to a hooters? I would say that is less sexually explicit than something that uses cock in a bowl to describe a chicken dish.

I mean that’s the thing I think that’s the point they’re getting at. I would go to a restaurant with only male waiters, and also all those male waiters’ balls are showing, and the name of the restaurant is ‘Ball Pit’ and you would go and then they would be like “What would you like?” and I would say “Could I have like a roast beef with au-jus.” And they would say “Yes, what would YOU like?” “I would like the prime rib.” “Fantastic, those are delicious this time of year.” Rather than go to a restaurant where its like

What do you want? The rotten asshole? Like, woah, why is it called that. I'm wearing a tuxedo because I'm your waiter. Oh-ha-ha. Do you want the rotten asshole? Ooo, that was weird. It took a turn. I don't like that.

No discussion of this sort would be complete without a visit to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville.

Oh, god.

But, I said that, and it's not that good. Cuz I just got the menu, it's, it's, it's not that great. It's kind of boring a little bit.

I thought they had like Jimmy Buffet themed snackaroos.

Well, I mean it's hard because they do have: there's a booze in a blender, which is they bring you a "Who's to Blame" or tropical fruit margarita in a 22 ounce take-home blender cup.

But they take it from one blender into another blender.

That seems excessive.

So other drinks...

They have really high blender overhead.

I wasn't looking at the drink section when I said that there are awesome names. If you are a fan of him, you are going to get a treat here. Last Mango in Paris, that's a song, but a drink. Who's To Blame, that's from the song Margaritaville. ?? To The Left, another lyric. Livin' It Up, that's the name of a drink.

A Shaker of Salt, it's just a salt shaker that you have to eat in front of the waiter.

I think my favorite appetizer at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville is the clam munchers.

Yeah.

So good.

There's a Five O’clock Somewhere drink that you can order.

Say.

I think that all you have to do is add please in front of it. Please don't solve the carnival.

Please. And of course there's shots too, under the drink section. You can get a boat drink shot of the why don't we get drunk in the ellipses. And of course that was a reference to the fact that when he originally released the single Why don't we get drunk and screw, the record label wouldn't let him put the word screw on there. So there's actually just a picture of a screw in the track listing.

That's grosser. Way grosser.

Slightly grosser, right? God, I want to go to this place so bad. There is no, I'm living, I'm 33 years old, I'm about to be a dad, I'm living a life without irony. All I want to do is go to this place and drink them all until the names are funny, and then keep drinking.

Listen, you come visit me in Cincinnati. I will take you to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville.

There is no fucking, there is no less beachy scene than eating at the Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville inside a casino inside of Cincinnati.

Correct

There is no less beachy vibe than that. I'm sorry.

But let me fix that for you, Justin, because they play all kinds of fun, beachy videos on the closed-circuit television. So do you want to see some busty babes bouncing at a tailgate, some parrot-heads in their colorful shirts, enjoying a kegger? Yeah, you do. Oh, and what's that, it's Jimmy Buffet performing with Lionel Richie. Oh my god! It's amazing. It's like you're at the beach!

The only, the only problem with the beachy videos is like every once in a while the pitt bosses wander over to flip it over to their closed-circuit cams to watch the tables.

That is correct.

You lose the beachy vibe.

Jimmy Buffet is also the security office.

It's a lot of fun to work there.

Yeah.

Next to the stage but, there was no live music that night there was just a TV hooked up to a Playstation and a little boy played Guitar Hero on mute literally right next to us, literally within touching distance. Where was this? That was at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville, Batavia, OH. Are you sure that that wasn't A Cheeseburger in Paradise? I'm sorry it was A Cheeseburger in Paradise. How does that fucking dude get two restaurants? You'll be hearing from his lawyers. Now Jimmy Buffet has to sue himself again. There's another years worth of time that we're not going to get a new album because Jimmy Buffet has to sue himself.

Wrap Up

Thank you all for listening to our program. We sure appreciate you checking in with us and spending a little time. Thank you to people tweeting about the show: Chris Gar, The Duke, ??,Michael, KVC, Shelby, Hailey, Nick

Elizabeth, Rashawn, Diana, so many others. A lot of really nice comments about our interview with Elizabeth Gilbert last week. She was a blast and we would love to have her back at some point because...

I had a friend here in Austin who said they listened to that episode because they saw it on Facebook and didn't think it was true. They thought we were lying about having Elizabeth Gilbert on the show, which is pretty great.

So thank you to everybody tweeting about us. If you want to share our show with people you love, just give them MBMBAM.com. We're right there, and if you could, go give us a review or a subscription on iTunes. That would be amazing.

So go subscribe to our YouTube channel then tell your friends about it and share all the videos. also in case you missed that we announced we joined up at this booking agency called billions. No big deal but they are actually a pretty big deal. they do they do booking for welcome to night veil which is a great show if you are not listening to it. a bunch of really great music acts they are going to help us set up some tours next year we are going to try and hit a lot of places in America and maybe a little bit in Canada still figuring out still planning it out but yeah we're going to kick that shit in a high gear starting next year and of course we will let you know what stuff firms up so hopefully we'll get to see you soon that is my hope, that is my hope as well also thinks John Roderick and to Long Winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure on the album putting the days to bed you can find that record anywhere records are sold

Probably. Yeah, just Google it. You can get it on the Internet.

And I think that’s going to do it for us. Thank you so much everybody listening. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Please listen to the other Max Fun shows. There’s a ton of really good ones.

Yeah, really great.

Saw Bones is a good jumping off point, if you like Justin’s dulcet tones.

It’s a transition.

It’s a smooth transition.

There’s one of these people I’ve heard before.

Then there’s other really good ones. Jordan Jesse Go, One Bad Mother, ?? Lady, Wham Bam Pow, ?? Ross and Carrie. There’s a ton. We can’t, it’d take us ten minutes to list them all. But go check it out. There’s a lot.

There’s a lot. Go listen.

This final guy who was actually, it was sent in by Drew Davenport, but he wanted to make sure that I announced it actually was his friend Jeff who found it. He did not want to, and he’s a standup dude, right? He’s not even gonna, he knocks it out of the park every day and then when his friend knocks it out of the park, he doesn’t jump on it and claim credit.

Well he doesn’t need it.

Doesn’t need it I guess.

He’s got plenty of credit.

So thank you Drew

High Butts

It's by Yahoo Answers user 'Tammy Ordaz' who asks:

Can your butt start higher than the crack?

I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy and my butt starts at the nape of my neck.

This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad straight on the nape of his neck.

Oh no!

[music]

MaximumFun.org. Comedy and Culture. Artist owned, listener supported.

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